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Curses: A Midsummer Night's Peeve
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CHARACTER BREAKDOWN
Principals
KETHEL BRISBANE, 46, sorceror and busboy
LUCINDA CIRCE, 34, junior witch
RODERICK DUSTIN, 77, archmage
EDRIC, 21, chamber pot boy
ELSABETA HAGGLAT, 78, head witch
KING HERRIS VIII, 75, king of Ildrecht and VERENA’s father
PHILIP ILLIDACE, 36, apprentice wizard
FRED NOLLIK, 38, apprentice wizard
KRISTAL NUBS, 35, junior witch
TEDILISTENCARONIF, 3,000,000,000+, archduke of Hell
TYNIAN, 31, bard
VERENA, 27, princess of Ildrecht and HERRIS’ daughter
Supporting Characters
ASSORTED COURTESANS
DOOBY-DOO DEMONS
EDWARD, court scribe
HARMONISING SKULLS
LORD SCRAVIN, a noble
SCULLERY MAIDS
TAP-DANCING ZOMBIES
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SYNOPSIS
Act I
Scene 1
Tynian the Bard tells the tale of the curse lain upon the Kingdom of
Ildrecht. If the curse isn’t broken by this Midsummer’s Eve, the realm shall
be destroyed. A reward of one thousand gold crowns has been offered to any
lifter of the enchantment. (“Not Quite a Faery Tale”)
Scene 2
On Bohr mountain, a bankrupt coven led by Elsabeta Hagglat decides to travel
to Ildrecht and claim the reward money. Elsabeta is reluctant at first, but
junior witches Lucinda and Kristal change her mind with the help of a little
“Natural Magic.”
Scene 3
The next day, the witches arrive at Castle Ildrecht only to find a band of
wizards there before them also seeking the reward. Roderick the Red, leader
of the wizards, insults the coven, and the two groups of magic-users square
off for a fight (“Raise the Staff and Lower the Broom”). Herris arrives and
ends the quarrel by agreeing to pay whomever lifts the curse first.
Scene 4
Roderick and his fellow mages (Fred and Philip) adjourn to the local pub,
where they are waited upon by their irritable valet, Kethel Brisbane.
Roderick counsels drinking as a means of inspiration, and he leads everyone
in a toast to “The Longbeard Polka.”
Scene 5
In Castle Ildrecht, Princess Verena, forced to wear a blindfold due to the
curse’s effect on her eyes, laments her need to dwell in the dark as Edric
the Pot-Boy looks on with longing (“Beyond the Veil”). The princess missteps
and falls off the balcony. Edric captures her, but she loses her blindfold
and they exchange glances . . . and bodies. Verena/Edric runs into the woods
followed by Edric/Verena.
Scene 6
The witches and wizards meet before the castle to discuss pooling their
resources. Still somewhat giddy from ale, Roderick kidnaps Elsabeta for a
date. The remaining magic-users (sans Kethel, who is off cleaning robes)
summon Tedilistencaronif ("Teddy"), Archduke of Hell, who tells them that
“It’s Not Too Soon for Armageddon.” It seems that the sorceror who cursed
the kingdom has returned, and Satan intends to use the man as a focus for
the curse in order to end the world.
Act II
Scene 1
The junior magicians make a pact to find and kill the sorceror before he can
do any more damage (“Magical Mayhem”). Unfortunately, they start their quest
by stalking the castle staff.
Scene 2
Deep in Ildrecht Woods, Roderick makes advances towards Elsabeta which are
cruelly rebuffed (“That Old Black Magic Spell”). Edric/Verena comes upon the
conjurors and claims to be looking for the princess. Thinking the girl
touched, Roderick places her in stasis, and he and Elsabeta depart for
Castle Ildrecht. Edric/Verena follows them.
Scene 3
Kethel is busy drying wizard’s robes in Ildrecht’s graveyard, boldly
attempting to disregard the madness of his fellow magicians as they search
for the sorceror. Tedilistencaronif appears, apparently Kethel’s companion
for many years, and provokes Kethel into an explosive fury. Kethel remembers
that he’s the sorceror who cursed Ildrecht. A misspoken request to
Tedilistencaronif had made Kethel forget his identity. The sorceror plans to
conquer the kingdom and live the high life in order to make up for his years
as a valet (“Zap”).
Scene 4
Roderick and Elsabeta return to Castle Ildrecht and tell King Herris of his
daughter’s insanity. He laments. They tell him of a plan to destroy
Ildrecht’s curse by cursing it, and he laments further (“An Honest Price”).
Still, he agrees to the plan and even volunteers to give his life to the
spell. Everyone departs and leaves Edric/Verena behind to be seized by
Kethel and his growing army of ghouls. Verena/Edric watches from the scrub
as Kethel hides, awaiting the proper moment to move against the kingdom and
its hodgepodge of defenders.
Scene 5
The witches and wizards return and set up the countercurse, only to fall
victim to internal squabbling. Herris chastises everyone and demands the
groups “Curse and Make Up.” They do so, but before the spell may be
clinched, Kethel traps the magicians in a stasis field and attempts to
summon Satan that he might gift the Dark Angel with fresh blood. Verena/Edric
knocks Kethel into his own spellcasting, and the freed magic-users use
Kethel’s death to fuel the countercurse. Ildrecht is saved.
Scene 6
Tynian the Bard returns to delineate the aftermath of the countercursing.
The junior magicians start a sorceror-hunting business, Roderick and
Elsabeta go on a real date, Verena and Edric are married (without exchanging
bodies again), Teddy becomes Kethel’s master in Hell, and Ildrecht is
overthrown by the People’s Republic. After all, Tynian reminds the audience,
this was never meant to be a traditional story. (“Not Quite a Faery Tale
[Medley]”)
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LYRICS SAMPLES
"ZAP"
MY PLANS HAVE JUST BEGUN.
I’LL PUT THEM ON THE RUN.
AT LAST MY TIME HAS COME!
I’M GONNA PULL OUT ALL THE STOPS;
LET LOOSE ALL OF MY POW’R;
BRING ABOUT THE KINGDOM’S DARKEST HOUR. YEAH!
I’LL UNLEASH THE FIENDS BELOW,
FIRE ‘EM UP AND LET ‘EM GO.
LUCIFER, HELP ME GAIN CONTROL!
NOBODY’S TOADY ANYMORE!
NOW’S THE TIME TO EVEN THE SCORE!
A LITTLE HOCUS POCUS,
THE BLACK MAGIC SCHTICK.
I’M GONNA GRAB THE WINNING
END OF THE STICK!
ZAP!
I’M GONNA ZAP ‘EM
WITH A WARLOCK TANTRUM.
I’LL MAKE ‘EM FRY
WITH MY EVIL EYE!
I’LL BE KING!
THAT’S MY GOAL.
ALL IT’LL COST ME IS MY SOUL.
WATCH ME NOW! KETHEL’S ON A ROLL!
SING IT, DEMONS!
WAIL IT, DJINNS!
THE FORCES OF GOOD
HAVEN’T GOT A CHANCE!
COME ON, CORPSES, GET UP AND DANCE!
I’M GONNA ZAP ‘EM!
I’M GONNA BLAST ‘EM!
I’LL WATCH ‘EM FALL
BENEATH BELIAL.
ILDRECHT, BABY, YOU’LL BE MINE!
JUST GONNA BE A MATTER OF TIME!
GIVE IT UP! I’M THE SEVENTH SIGN!
BELT IT, IMPS.
SHRIEK IT, SPOOKS.
LET’S GET MOVING.
NO MORE NIXES.
I’M ROLLING DICE
AND GETTING TRIPLE SIXES!
I’M THE MASTER CASTER
AND I’M SPELLING OUT DISASTER!
BETTER START A-SCREAMIN’,
‘CAUSE I’VE GOT AN EVIL LEGION!
NOBODY CAN STOP US!
EAT YOUR HEART OUT, DOCTOR FAUSTUS!
I’VE GOT THE SPELLS
AND THE POWER OF HELL!
ZAP!
"AN HONEST PRICE"
ENDING THE CURSE.
I CAN’T BELIEVE THE WORDS.
ENDING THE CURSE.
THE CONCEPT SEEMS ABSURD.
CAN IT BE TRUE?
WILL IT BE THROUGH?
WHAT AM I TO DO?
I CAN REMEMBER IN AGES PAST
WHEN ILDRECHT WAS HALE AND WHOLE.
MY SUBJECTS CONTENT; HOW I LAMENT
THE LOSS OF THOSE HAPPY TIMES OF OLD.
I’D GIVE UP ALL TO BRING BACK THOSE DAYS;
THE LAUGHTER, THE SMILES, THE CAREFREE WAYS.
THE COST OF THIS DREAM? A MONARCH’S LIFE.
IT SEEMS AN HONEST PRICE.
RUE AND WOE!
HAVE HAUNTED ME SINCE LONG AGO!
WOE AND WEAL!
THE WOUNDS I HOLD SHALL NEVER HEAL!
I BANISHED MY WIFE AND SHE PLACED THIS CHARM,
BRINGING MY KINGDOM TO RUIN AND HARM.
NOW WITH MY FLESH, I’LL PUT THINGS RIGHT.
IT SEEMS AN HONEST PRICE.
HEAR THE WAILS OF ILDRECHT MOANING.
HEAR IT CRYING OUT FOR PEACE!
I KNEW THAT I’D CAUSED ITS TORMENT,
BUT I NEVER COULD BELIEVE!
NEVER AGAIN SHALL I LIVE THAT LIE!
ILDRECHT SHALL LIVE AND I SHALL DIE!
I’LL BREAK THE CURSE AND MARTYR MY LIFE!
IT SEEMS AN HONEST PRICE.
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SCENE SAMPLE
Act II, Scene 2
(Moonlight-blue lighting comes up SL upon Ildrecht Woods. EDRIC is sitting
on the ground, knees pulled up to his chest. VERENA enters, obviously out of
breath.)
VERENA
Gadzooks, Princess! I never knew me body could run so fast! (She sits down
next to EDRIC.) Whew! (She sets the pot aside.) Nice noight, wot?
(Awkwardly.) I think we needs t’ talk.
EDRIC
Go away, Edric.
VERENA
I can’t do that, Princess. (Pause.) I thinks yer know why.
EDRIC
Then stay here. See if I care! Just leave me be!
VERENA
(Moving closer.) Are yer sure ‘at’s what yer wants?
EDRIC
(Pulling away and getting up.) You don’t understand. I mean, look at me!
Just look! (VERENA examines her body.) Not that me! This me!
VERENA
What’s wrong wi’ me body?
EDRIC
It’s yours. That’s what’s wrong with it! I’m not supposed to be in here.
I’m . . . I’m . . . (He breaks down.) What’s happened to us, Edric?
VERENA
(Holding EDRIC in her arms.) I dunno, Princess. Off’and I’d say it’s the
curse. (Joking.) Guess we know wot’s wrong wi’ yer eyes now, eh?
EDRIC
(Laughing nervously.) Yes.
(EDRIC snuffles a bit and stops crying.)
VERENA
‘At’s the job. Let’s ‘ave a smile, wot? (EDRIC grins.) See? Things aren’t
that bad. (Pause.) Though they’ve been a good sight better.
EDRIC
I’m sorry I ran away, Edric.
VERENA
Right you are! Why’d yer do such a fool thing?
EDRIC
(Stepping away.) Because . . . Because I . . . I love you, Edric, and I
didn’t want you to see me like this. (Pause.) I’m sorry.
VERENA
Sorry? ‘At’s great! (She dances a jig.) ‘At’s wot I always wanted t’ ‘ear!
EDRIC
You needn’t make fun of me!
VERENA
No. No. Don’t yer see? (She takes EDRIC’s hand.) I loves yer, too. I’d a’
tole yer afore, but I thought . . . I mean . . . you bein’ a princess and
all and me bein’ a pot boy . . .
EDRIC
Really? Oh, Edric.
(EDRIC grabs VERENA and kisses her passionately. He drops her almost as
suddenly.)
Oh, dear. I shouldn’t have done that. I just lost control.
VERENA
‘At’s all roight. I din’t mind! (Pause.) Why don’t yer come down ‘ere and
lose control again?
(Giggling, EDRIC joins VERENA on the ground for another kiss. With a loud
explosion, a cloud of white smoke erupts CS. EDRIC, startled, runs offstage
screaming. VERENA runs after him, taking the pot with her.)
Princess! Verena! Not again!
(RODERICK steps out of the smoke, coughing, and drops ELSABETA to the
ground. She catches herself, turns, and kicks him in the shins.)
RODERICK
Strewth! What was that for, woman?
ELSABETA
Why do you think, you idiot? You drag me off God knows where and you don’t
expect me to be a trifle upset?
RODERICK
Oh, stop pretending. We’re alone now. It’s safe.
ELSABETA
Safe for what?
RODERICK
Don’t play coy with me. Ever since I saw you, I knew what you wanted. Well,
here I am.
ELSABETA
Yes. There you are. Old, stupid, and confusing the hay out of me.
RODERICK
Come, now. We’re both too old for these games. (He rushes toward her.) Give
me a kiss.
(ELSABETA grabs RODERICK’s staff and smacks him with it.)
ELSABETA
Back! Get back! Don’t make me use this!
RODERICK
Go ahead. (Suggestively.) I like a woman who knows how to handle a staff.
ELSABETA
(Fending off his grabs.) What ails you, man? I thought wizards were
celibate!
RODERICK
Well, here’s one way to find out. (He grabs the staff.) Why don’t we make a
little magic, honey?
(ELSABETA knocks him down and puts his staff to his throat.)
ELSABETA
Listen here. You keep your hands clear of me and I might let you live!
RODERICK
You know, your eyes are quite charming when they’re bloodshot.
(RODERICK grabs the staff and pulls himself up quickly. He presses close to
ELSABETA, skillfully rolling the staff out of the way.)
Care to dance? (He gestures and music begins.) How you move me, my dear. I
almost feel...bewitched!
SONG: THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC SPELL
DARLING, DON’T YOU GLARE AT ME.
I FEEL THE POWER IN YOUR STARE.
PLEASE, DON’T EVEN SPEAK TO ME.
YOUR VOICE IS MUSIC IN THE AIR.
I FEEL IT THERE.
EVERY TIME THAT YOU MOVE NEARER
MAKES THE MOMENT SO MUCH DEARER.
I HAVE A FEELING THAT I REMEMBER WELL!
I’M UNDER YOUR OLD BLACK MAGIC SPELL.
ELSABETA
HAH! YOU’RE A FOOL, MY MAN;
A MISBEGOTTEN CUR!
YOU TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME.
WELL, THAT’S FOOLISHNESS FOR SURE!
AND ONE THING MORE...
I LOATHE, DETEST, ABHOR, AND DESPISE YOU.
MY GORGE, IT RISES AT THE SIGHT OF YOU!
IT’S A DREAMER’S WISH YOU TELL!
YOU’RE CASTING YOUR OWN BLACK MAGIC SPELL!
RODERICK
I LOOK AT YOU AND MY PASSION ARISES.
ELSABETA
I LOOK AT YOU AND I SEE A CRISIS.
RODERICK
YOU LIGHT MY FIRE.
ELSABETA
BURN ON YOUR PYRE!
RODERICK
I WANT YOUR CARESS.
ELSABETA
IS THAT LINE YOUR BEST?
(ELSABETA turns her back on RODERICK in exasperation. A vamp section begins
as he tries to win her over.)
RODERICK
Sorry. I’m still rather new at this courting thing.
ELSABETA
Then why are all your lines so old?
RODERICK
Here now! You ought to be thankful that anyone’s interested in you at your
age!
ELSABETA
I’m not any older than you are, fossil-cheeks! Or did you glue that beard
on? (RODERICK simply stares at her.) What?
RODERICK
It’s your hair. The way it shines in the moonlight . . . Every
silvery strand calls to me like a line of love.
ELSABETA
Now that’s just pathetic!
RODERICK
Don’t give me that! I know how you really feel.
YOU SAY YOU DON’T LOVE ME,
BUT YOU’RE HIDING WHAT YOU FEEL.
ELSABETA
I’M NOT HIDING ANYTHING!
YOUR ADVANCES MAKE ME ILL!
EXTREMELY SO!
RODERICK
OUR SPECIAL LOVE IS TENDER AND STRONG.
ELSABETA
I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT YOU’RE REALLY WRONG!
RODERICK
YOU LOVE ME!
ELSABETA
I DON’T!
RODERICK
YOU’LL HAVE ME!
ELSABETA
I WON’T!
I’LL NEVER LOVE YOU SO LONG AS THE MOON SHINES!
RODERICK
I SWEAR BENEATH IT THAT SOON YOU WILL BE MINE!
ELSABETA AND RODERICK
I SWEAR BY THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC SPELL!
RODERICK
So what do you say? Care for a little tryst?
ELSABETA
Go soak your head . . . and other appropriate body parts.
RODERICK
Is that a “No?”
ELSABETA
Yes.
RODERICK
(Moving in.) I know you don’t mean that.
ELSABETA
(Kicking him away.) You are the most annoying man I have ever known!
RODERICK
Is that a good thing?
(ELSABETA moves to throttle RODERICK, but VERENA bursts onto the scene.)
VERENA
(Shouting.) Verena . . . Oh, hullo. I din’t know anyone else was out ‘ere.
RODERICK
Princess!
VERENA
(She looks around.) Where? (Pause.) Oh. You mean me. Look, I don’t ‘ave time
t’ explain. ‘Ave yer seen Verena?
ELSABETA
That would be you, wouldn’t it?
VERENA
No. I’m Edric. I just look loik Verena!
ELSABETA
(To RODERICK.) She’s gone nutty. (To VERENA.) It’s all right, dearie. We’ll
take care of you now.
(ELSABETA motions for RODERICK to do something. He picks up his staff and
points it at VERENA.)
VERENA
(Worried.) Just a minute, now. Yer don’t . . .
RODERICK
Immobilis! (VERENA freezes and drops the pot.) That should hold her until we
get her back to the castle. (He walks over to VERENA and starts to move
her.) I wonder how she got out, anyway? And without her blindfold, too.
(Pause.) I say, can you give me a hand?
ELSABETA
Why don’t you just teleport us? RODERICK
I used up my power with the music. We’ll have to walk back.
ELSABETA
Oh, fine! Some wizard you are, loverboy!
RODERICK
Less criticism and more muscle, please. She’s rather heavy.
(ELSABETA crosses over to RODERICK and grabs ahold of VERENA. They begin to
drag the princess offstage.)
And don’t think I’ve forgotten about our little discussion. I know you want
me!
ELSABETA
I do want you. I want you to shut up!
RODERICK
Mind your temper, lover.
(ELSABETA moans and the two exit SR. After a moment, EDRIC enters the
scene.)
EDRIC
(Calling.) Edric! I’m back. I guess I panicked again. Edric? (He trips on
the pot.) What? (He picks up the pot.) It’s not like Edric to leave his pot
behind. I wonder where he went? Ah, well. I’ll find him eventually. I’m not
going to lose him now!
(He exits SL, calling for EDRIC. The lights fade to black.)
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ART SAMPLES
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